I’ve always suspected that the Fancy Feast cat food commercials targeted lonely women who want to fantasize that they’re having a dinner date with someone of their own species. (Full disclosure: when I was three, I did pretend that my grandma’s orange tabby “Sidney” was a handsome prince; my feline paramour later turned out to be “Sydney”, thus setting the stage for my genderqueer life.) The new ads for Fancy Feast Appetizers prove that I’m not making this up. “Romance your cat’s taste buds with Fancy Feast® Appetizers. Fancy Feast® is the perfect way to express your love.”
Hold on a moment. Why do cats need appetizers? It’s not like they have to wait very long for you to plop their main meal out of the can. In the meantime, they’d be perfectly happy to lick themselves, sleep, or listen to you talk about your feelings.
In other furry news, UK-based LoveHoney can tell you how your neighbors allocate their sex-toy dollars. For instance, I now know that “People in Northampton spend 2 times the national average on Fetish Clothing”. However, our sister city is only “the 102nd sexiest place in the UK”, behind Pontypridd but ahead of Teddington. Oh, the shame.